Babel

“So, what have you decided?”; “Do you realise you maybe losing opportunities because you aren’t even looking at them?”; “There are so many youngsters like you who are earning a lot of money, and they are as qualified as you.”; “I expect you to shine, and be a successful career woman.”; “You’re wasting your talent.”

This is where I am, almost 2 months after having quit my last job. How do I explain to anyone who asks, that while I do get worried about what kind of a role I would get next, in the corporate world, I do wish I could get voyeuristic glimpses into the future. I would like to know if the future brings my passions & longings together. Or would I get a job which will turn me into a erudite, rational and driven, but a frustrated individual.

While my mind talks logic, my heart sometimes gets scared of getting stuck in the rat race. I haven’t done it for too long, but 5 years is good enough to give one an idea of how the regular competition looks like. Why did I quit? Coz something inside me felt incomplete. It felt like something Jodi Picoult had once written: “What was wrong with me? I had a decent life. I was healthy. I wasn’t starving or maimed by a land mine or orphaned. Yet somehow, it wasn’t enough. I had a hole in me, and everything I took for granted slipped through it like sand.

I felt like I had swallowed yeast, like whatever evil was festering inside me had doubled in size.”

The things my being longs to do may not be something that will guarantee the lifestyle I’ve had for the last few years. But they are definitely something that will quench my soul’s thirst. (a) Caring for animals and being able to do something for them. Is it so difficult to understand that every life is important? And what is a greater deed than saving another life whether or not it is human. (b) being able to write and through it experience the deepest human emotions. The joys, the turmoils, the fears, the hopes….write about them and help others learn and unlearn things they might be looking for, but are unaware of.

Sometimes I feel like i’m falling apart due to the chaos in my head. But then again, the reasons of the heart do not match up to the realities of life. The more I resist, the more formidable the struggle between my heart and my mind becomes. I’m hoping that time will unravel what I’m meant to be doing and that life gives me the chance to step foot outside this zone and experience and fulfil what my heart longs for.

Until then, I’ll let Stevie Wonder’s song fill my senses while I try to chase the opportunities that knock on my door.

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