Happy Birthday


She felt a sinking feeling in her heart and tears in her eyes. She looked at the clock, there were 15 minutes for her to turn a year older.

She had company at home. 3 cats, a dog & a sleeping husband. All elements that could constitute of a party. Yet, here she was, plonked on the sofa by herself and watching Netflix. Also, she suddenly missed her departed grandmother.

This growing old thing isn’t working, she thought. And with a deep breath, “Happy Birthday to me”, she whispered.


The Moment.

After 2 years of being together and a lot of pestering, she convinced him to cook for her. He planned the event a few days in advance, going over the recipes a few times and ensuring all the ingredients were available. She was, in fact surprised, that he didn’t make an excel sheet out of the whole thing.

He was fussy about how he wanted things to be in the kitchen, so she steered clear of the area when he initiated the process. After a few hours, he prepared the table for the feast and asked her to join him. There was rice, his mother’s recipe for a traditional curry, poppadum, fish-fry (for himself) & raw mango chutney. She quickly sat down, eager to fill her tummy.

After he served her, as she was taking the first morsel, he looked at her with a childlike curiosity, and posed his question – “So?”

“It’s very nice!”. He grinned widely and heaved a sigh of relief. She didn’t tell him that there could have been more salt in the curry or that the coconut needed to be more finely ground. Knowing the efforts he had put in, to prepare this for her, made it all the more tasty. They ate sumptuously, mostly in silence, because they were both so hungry that their mouths would open only to allow more food in.

Later in the evening, while both of them were still recovering from the food coma, and she was reading a book and he was watching Netflix, he tapped on her shoulder and said “Red chilly powder is almost over…we’ll need to replenish the bottle”, in a very matter of fact tone. She smiled at him and chuckled a little. He looked confused at the reaction. “What happened?”…she ruffled his hair and said “nothing”.

He went back to watching Netflix, still confused. She went back to reading her book, thinking, this was one of the first, cute domestic life moments they had shared, and this was just the beginning 🙂




The waft

“Tell me more about you” he said.

“Like what?” she asked, adjusting the sheet around her body.

“Like…are you the kind of woman who….” his voice trails off as he sees her reaching for a cigarette, kept on the night stand next to her bed.

“The kind of woman who…what?”

“The kind who smokes after sex?” he finishes.

“I’m the kind who smokes whenever. And the kind who’ll be whatever you want me to be, as long as you’re not a nutcase!” she smiles while taking a drag.

His eyes rest on her face for a minute, taking into account every little detail of that irresistible face and deadly smile.

“In that case how about you give me half of that death wish you’re puffing away?” he asks.

She never touched a cigarette after that day.

Ringing in a new chapter :)

It’s new year’s eve and however hard I’ve tried not to think much about the year gone by, seeing the other enthusiasts’ posts about the same, somewhat forced my reminiscence to get into the active mode.

2014 – a year filled with memories of various kinds. Experiences – new and bitter, activities which cannot be tagged as anything less than crazy, new friendships which have been fulfilling so far and above all, LOVE: in its purest form.

When my grandparents were around, my new year evenings would mean me staring at my phone waiting for that familiar number to appear on the screen just 5 minutes before the clock struck 12. I would then hear my grandparents excited voices, like those of children, eagerly wishing me all the love and happiness in the world and ask me about my mundane life and when I would visit them next. Most of my previous new year’s eves have been spent with family, home made food and a glass of champagne and a movie that all of us watched together. I would bake the cake and at 12, my sister would do the honour of cutting and serving the pieces to everyone.

With my grandparents gone and me living alone now, I miss having those familiar faces around at this time of the year. I have new faces around me now, which have have become familiar and very comforting.

Reflections and learnings: (a) My mom kicked cancer’s butt and i think for the first time in months, i heaved a huge sigh of relief. All my dormant fears were put to rest with this great news. (b) I adopted my first pet, a cat. Not that I had the intention of keeping it when I got it home. It was supposed to be a foster. And i turned out to be a failed foster parent. Probably the best thing that happened to me. I did the same thing 2 times after that and ended up with 3 cats. (c) I fell in love. And i fell in love hard. Totally unexpected. The first thing that struck me when this happened was a quote I had read long ago – “God proved his sense of humor when he matched you and me together. He also proved he’s a genius.” I cannot thank god enough. (d) I lost Mau, my first cat to a freak accident. His loss shattered me and changed my life in many ways. (e) Quit my job to take a break and figure out what next. The break has been great so far…what next is still a big question mark!

Overall, I can say i’ve grown a little more as a person and hope I’ve been able to make a difference in this world in my own small way.

Here’s bidding goodbye to 2014 with a tight hug and a big squish.

2015 – May you ebb and flow with good things!!

Mocking Shadow

It all starts with a question. Which is bigger than the other? :
Love. Pride. Forgiveness.

Would you ever know, that I cried myself to sleep the other night?

Coz I sensed history might repeat itself…

Are you able to gauge my insecurities at all,
when you breezily mention whatever is on your mind?

I know we promised – to confide in each other,
every single emotion we experience.

But sometimes my pride is more important to me,
than breaking down in your arms.

And there are times my hearth refuses to cool,
what with the gleaming mock knocking gently.

I don’t know if my body has the energy,
to fight with my mind and your nonchalance, constantly.

That I was with you,
talking about things – random & important,
is inextricably linked to my places
of visit now.

The weight of my emotions
exhausts me,
I’m tired.

Will you wish for me,
a magic cloak
as my pillow against everything that,
I don’t want to face.

If you know me, if you love me,
you will, for me.
coz you’ll remember I once confessed,
this is the only way I know…
to love.

It all ends with a question. Which is bigger than the other? :
Love. Pride. Forgiveness.


Timid desire


I would like to be a bird,

perched on the birch-tree

and see from above, coming to life

the scene when we first met.

Would you have connected with me again,

had I not been the first to approach you then?

I would like to be witness,

to the thoughts that ran through your mind

when we couldn’t tear our attention

away from each other.

Was I the last person

you thought of before you went to sleep?

I would like to be the feeling

of unconditional surrender

that takes over my heart when I’m with you.

Will I, as this feeling, last? Will we last?

John Keats summarizes what I feel at this moment, quite aptly: “I am in that temper that if I were under water I would scarcely kick to come to the top.”

Do we spend days, months, years…to put the pieces together? Or do we just leave the pieces on the floor…look at them like a work of art unfinished, because sometimes the most incomplete of arts is the most breath-takingly beautiful one, and move on?

Are we meant to be a part of each other’s history, or be each other’s destiny?

Will we get up one day, to stop loving each other little by little?

Or will we get up paralysed, from all the inland circus in our minds?

Can I time-travel, and see what’s in store for us…

Or be a coward and lay in wait.

My little heart stands witness, to all my un-mouthed desires and hidden fears.

And it’s bursting this minute.

Will you hold and contain it for me?


“So, what have you decided?”; “Do you realise you maybe losing opportunities because you aren’t even looking at them?”; “There are so many youngsters like you who are earning a lot of money, and they are as qualified as you.”; “I expect you to shine, and be a successful career woman.”; “You’re wasting your talent.”

This is where I am, almost 2 months after having quit my last job. How do I explain to anyone who asks, that while I do get worried about what kind of a role I would get next, in the corporate world, I do wish I could get voyeuristic glimpses into the future. I would like to know if the future brings my passions & longings together. Or would I get a job which will turn me into a erudite, rational and driven, but a frustrated individual.

While my mind talks logic, my heart sometimes gets scared of getting stuck in the rat race. I haven’t done it for too long, but 5 years is good enough to give one an idea of how the regular competition looks like. Why did I quit? Coz something inside me felt incomplete. It felt like something Jodi Picoult had once written: “What was wrong with me? I had a decent life. I was healthy. I wasn’t starving or maimed by a land mine or orphaned. Yet somehow, it wasn’t enough. I had a hole in me, and everything I took for granted slipped through it like sand.

I felt like I had swallowed yeast, like whatever evil was festering inside me had doubled in size.”

The things my being longs to do may not be something that will guarantee the lifestyle I’ve had for the last few years. But they are definitely something that will quench my soul’s thirst. (a) Caring for animals and being able to do something for them. Is it so difficult to understand that every life is important? And what is a greater deed than saving another life whether or not it is human. (b) being able to write and through it experience the deepest human emotions. The joys, the turmoils, the fears, the hopes….write about them and help others learn and unlearn things they might be looking for, but are unaware of.

Sometimes I feel like i’m falling apart due to the chaos in my head. But then again, the reasons of the heart do not match up to the realities of life. The more I resist, the more formidable the struggle between my heart and my mind becomes. I’m hoping that time will unravel what I’m meant to be doing and that life gives me the chance to step foot outside this zone and experience and fulfil what my heart longs for.

Until then, I’ll let Stevie Wonder’s song fill my senses while I try to chase the opportunities that knock on my door.