Aside

Timid desire

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I would like to be a bird,

perched on the birch-tree

and see from above, coming to life

the scene when we first met.

Would you have connected with me again,

had I not been the first to approach you then?

I would like to be witness,

to the thoughts that ran through your mind

when we couldn’t tear our attention

away from each other.

Was I the last person

you thought of before you went to sleep?

I would like to be the feeling

of unconditional surrender

that takes over my heart when I’m with you.

Will I, as this feeling, last? Will we last?

John Keats summarizes what I feel at this moment, quite aptly: “I am in that temper that if I were under water I would scarcely kick to come to the top.”

Do we spend days, months, years…to put the pieces together? Or do we just leave the pieces on the floor…look at them like a work of art unfinished, because sometimes the most incomplete of arts is the most breath-takingly beautiful one, and move on?

Are we meant to be a part of each other’s history, or be each other’s destiny?

Will we get up one day, to stop loving each other little by little?

Or will we get up paralysed, from all the inland circus in our minds?

Can I time-travel, and see what’s in store for us…

Or be a coward and lay in wait.

My little heart stands witness, to all my un-mouthed desires and hidden fears.

And it’s bursting this minute.

Will you hold and contain it for me?

Babel

“So, what have you decided?”; “Do you realise you maybe losing opportunities because you aren’t even looking at them?”; “There are so many youngsters like you who are earning a lot of money, and they are as qualified as you.”; “I expect you to shine, and be a successful career woman.”; “You’re wasting your talent.”

This is where I am, almost 2 months after having quit my last job. How do I explain to anyone who asks, that while I do get worried about what kind of a role I would get next, in the corporate world, I do wish I could get voyeuristic glimpses into the future. I would like to know if the future brings my passions & longings together. Or would I get a job which will turn me into a erudite, rational and driven, but a frustrated individual.

While my mind talks logic, my heart sometimes gets scared of getting stuck in the rat race. I haven’t done it for too long, but 5 years is good enough to give one an idea of how the regular competition looks like. Why did I quit? Coz something inside me felt incomplete. It felt like something Jodi Picoult had once written: “What was wrong with me? I had a decent life. I was healthy. I wasn’t starving or maimed by a land mine or orphaned. Yet somehow, it wasn’t enough. I had a hole in me, and everything I took for granted slipped through it like sand.

I felt like I had swallowed yeast, like whatever evil was festering inside me had doubled in size.”

The things my being longs to do may not be something that will guarantee the lifestyle I’ve had for the last few years. But they are definitely something that will quench my soul’s thirst. (a) Caring for animals and being able to do something for them. Is it so difficult to understand that every life is important? And what is a greater deed than saving another life whether or not it is human. (b) being able to write and through it experience the deepest human emotions. The joys, the turmoils, the fears, the hopes….write about them and help others learn and unlearn things they might be looking for, but are unaware of.

Sometimes I feel like i’m falling apart due to the chaos in my head. But then again, the reasons of the heart do not match up to the realities of life. The more I resist, the more formidable the struggle between my heart and my mind becomes. I’m hoping that time will unravel what I’m meant to be doing and that life gives me the chance to step foot outside this zone and experience and fulfil what my heart longs for.

Until then, I’ll let Stevie Wonder’s song fill my senses while I try to chase the opportunities that knock on my door.