The Moment.

After 2 years of being together and a lot of pestering, she convinced him to cook for her. He planned the event a few days in advance, going over the recipes a few times and ensuring all the ingredients were available. She was, in fact surprised, that he didn’t make an excel sheet out of the whole thing.

He was fussy about how he wanted things to be in the kitchen, so she steered clear of the area when he initiated the process. After a few hours, he prepared the table for the feast and asked her to join him. There was rice, his mother’s recipe for a traditional curry, poppadum, fish-fry (for himself) & raw mango chutney. She quickly sat down, eager to fill her tummy.

After he served her, as she was taking the first morsel, he looked at her with a childlike curiosity, and posed his question – “So?”

“It’s very nice!”. He grinned widely and heaved a sigh of relief. She didn’t tell him that there could have been more salt in the curry or that the coconut needed to be more finely ground. Knowing the efforts he had put in, to prepare this for her, made it all the more tasty. They ate sumptuously, mostly in silence, because they were both so hungry that their mouths would open only to allow more food in.

Later in the evening, while both of them were still recovering from the food coma, and she was reading a book and he was watching Netflix, he tapped on her shoulder and said “Red chilly powder is almost over…we’ll need to replenish the bottle”, in a very matter of fact tone. She smiled at him and chuckled a little. He looked confused at the reaction. “What happened?”…she ruffled his hair and said “nothing”.

He went back to watching Netflix, still confused. She went back to reading her book, thinking, this was one of the first, cute domestic life moments they had shared, and this was just the beginning 🙂

 

 

 

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Destiny is not always a gift 

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During one of our MBA lectures, one of the professors asked us – how many of you believe in destiny/fate? I was one of those who replied in the negative. When asked why, I said “destiny/fate is what YOU make of yourself & the situation. These words are used either by people who believe their life is being constantly guided by a supernatural power or those who want to place the responsibility of their actions on these words.” This statement wasn’t too debatable at that time neither is it now, at least for me.

I believe in a higher power. But I also believe that even he helps those who help themselves. It’s always easy to take the cheat route & not own up to your actions. The real strength lies where you actually own every action of yours & consequently learn & respond to everything that the action brings. YOU are the only one who can make it or break it. YOU need to know, the world is judgmental. Should that stop you from doing what you know in your mind & heart to be right? Sometimes the hardest words to say are “I love you” & “I’m Sorry”. More often than not, actions speak louder than words. But then again, there are times when you need to say them. Because that is you truly taking responsibility for the words coming out of your mouth, however hard it may be for you to do so. Do not leave these as a task for the one above & give it a name of his play/decision for you. There is a place & time when you could say it was god’s decision…that I believe would be in situations where a human being lacks all potential to make a difference.

Before it is too late, own up to your shit. Tell them you love them. Tell them you’re sorry. Say the words. Get embarrassed a little. Get it off your chest. Coz one thing is true – time may be able heal your embarrassment. What it won’t be able to heal though, is the time you lost in hiding behind grand terms. Take the cue. Life is short.

Dedicated to those who left too soon before I could tell them one last time that I love them. Always, always in my heart.

The irony of compromise.

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It is the rule of life that we compromise to lead a somewhat happy/content one. At least, that is what we tell ourselves when we make the compromise. We give up on places, things, people we like. All, in the pursuit of happiness. But the real question is, what about the sadness that engulfs you when you give up stuff? Does the guilt leave your side ever?

Your conscience does warn you. So there’s no way we can say it didn’t do its best. We overlook it’s red signal simply because our desire & greed is bigger & more powerful. We claw our way through the screaming words, only to be screamed at by our inner self later.

Where do we draw the line? Where does this end? It doesn’t. There’ll always be something you give up. There’ll always be something you make someone give up for you. When do you realise you’re being too selfish? You know that tinge of resentment that rears its head when you are the one making the compromise? Would you feel it, even when you make someone compromise on something for your sake? Why shouldn’t the one-size-fits-all rule apply here? So many questions on this subject. But we aren’t ready or rather not comfortable answering most of them. Because the truth will destroy many a things. It will, most importantly, destroy you.

Coming to terms with something like this is difficult. We can however, learn how to cope with it because it’s something we cannot escape. How? List out your priorities in an order of importance. Divide them into major & minor. The latter are the ones you need to agree on being ready to adjust/compromise with. The major ones are what describe you. They are what call out to your soul. They are certainly not what you will be okay with, if you give up on them. These will haunt you, for eternity. What is the other important thing you need to do? Remember that others too, have a majors list like you. And that’s where you also need to be as understanding when you want them to make a compromise.

No one but you, will live & breathe the changes during & after. If you do end up having a companion in the same boat, it’s not as if the journey won’t be difficult, but as they say, misery loves a companion ☺

Nevertheless, the joys that the minor list of compromises may have brought/will bring to you, are to be celebrated too. Coz they too are a victory of you losing something to gain something else.

Compromises can break you, as well as bring you joy. That in itself, is an irony.

Mocking Shadow

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It all starts with a question. Which is bigger than the other? :
Love. Pride. Forgiveness.

Would you ever know, that I cried myself to sleep the other night?

Coz I sensed history might repeat itself…

Are you able to gauge my insecurities at all,
when you breezily mention whatever is on your mind?

I know we promised – to confide in each other,
every single emotion we experience.

But sometimes my pride is more important to me,
than breaking down in your arms.

And there are times my hearth refuses to cool,
what with the gleaming mock knocking gently.

I don’t know if my body has the energy,
to fight with my mind and your nonchalance, constantly.

That I was with you,
talking about things – random & important,
is inextricably linked to my places
of visit now.

The weight of my emotions
exhausts me,
I’m tired.

Will you wish for me,
a magic cloak
as my pillow against everything that,
I don’t want to face.

If you know me, if you love me,
you will, for me.
coz you’ll remember I once confessed,
this is the only way I know…
to love.

It all ends with a question. Which is bigger than the other? :
Love. Pride. Forgiveness.

Babel

“So, what have you decided?”; “Do you realise you maybe losing opportunities because you aren’t even looking at them?”; “There are so many youngsters like you who are earning a lot of money, and they are as qualified as you.”; “I expect you to shine, and be a successful career woman.”; “You’re wasting your talent.”

This is where I am, almost 2 months after having quit my last job. How do I explain to anyone who asks, that while I do get worried about what kind of a role I would get next, in the corporate world, I do wish I could get voyeuristic glimpses into the future. I would like to know if the future brings my passions & longings together. Or would I get a job which will turn me into a erudite, rational and driven, but a frustrated individual.

While my mind talks logic, my heart sometimes gets scared of getting stuck in the rat race. I haven’t done it for too long, but 5 years is good enough to give one an idea of how the regular competition looks like. Why did I quit? Coz something inside me felt incomplete. It felt like something Jodi Picoult had once written: “What was wrong with me? I had a decent life. I was healthy. I wasn’t starving or maimed by a land mine or orphaned. Yet somehow, it wasn’t enough. I had a hole in me, and everything I took for granted slipped through it like sand.

I felt like I had swallowed yeast, like whatever evil was festering inside me had doubled in size.”

The things my being longs to do may not be something that will guarantee the lifestyle I’ve had for the last few years. But they are definitely something that will quench my soul’s thirst. (a) Caring for animals and being able to do something for them. Is it so difficult to understand that every life is important? And what is a greater deed than saving another life whether or not it is human. (b) being able to write and through it experience the deepest human emotions. The joys, the turmoils, the fears, the hopes….write about them and help others learn and unlearn things they might be looking for, but are unaware of.

Sometimes I feel like i’m falling apart due to the chaos in my head. But then again, the reasons of the heart do not match up to the realities of life. The more I resist, the more formidable the struggle between my heart and my mind becomes. I’m hoping that time will unravel what I’m meant to be doing and that life gives me the chance to step foot outside this zone and experience and fulfil what my heart longs for.

Until then, I’ll let Stevie Wonder’s song fill my senses while I try to chase the opportunities that knock on my door.